What Is Anxious-Avoidant Attachment and How Does It Begin?

Have you ever found yourself desperately craving closeness in a relationship, only to pull away or shut down the moment someone gets too close? These experiences might point to what psychologists call anxious-avoidant attachment, a confusing and often painful dynamic that can leave people feeling stuck, rejected, or emotionally exhausted.

But what is this attachment style really? Where does it come from? And more importantly, can it be understood and healed?

Let’s take a deeper look.

What Is Anxious-Avoidant Attachment?

Anxious-avoidant attachment (also known as disorganized attachment in some models) is a pattern of relating to others that blends both fear of rejection and fear of intimacy. People with this attachment style often long for connection but feel deeply unsafe when it starts to happen. They may become emotionally overwhelmed, distant, or conflicted; struggling to trust others while also fearing abandonment.

Unlike purely anxious or purely avoidant styles, anxious-avoidant individuals often experience a push-pull tension: “Come close, but not too close.” “I need you, but I’m afraid of needing anyone.”

This isn’t a choice or a flaw. It’s a response; usually one that began a long time ago.

How Does Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Begin?

Like all attachment styles, anxious-avoidant patterns are shaped by early caregiving experiences. But the root causes are often more complex than we assume. It’s not just about being “unloved” or “neglected”; it’s about the confusing messages a child receives about safety, connection, and emotional expression.

1. Inconsistent Care or Confusing Signals

A child may develop anxious-avoidant tendencies if their caregivers were emotionally unpredictable. For example:

• Sometimes, a parent might respond with love and warmth. Other times, the same parent might be cold, critical, or unavailable.

• The child learns that closeness can be comforting, but also dangerous, inconsistent, or emotionally costly.

This creates a conflict in the nervous system: the drive for connection activates anxiety, and the experience of closeness triggers avoidance.

2. Caregivers Who Were Frightening or Frightened

Children naturally look to their caregivers for safety. But what happens when that caregiver is the source of fear?

• If a caregiver was abusive, emotionally volatile, or frightened themselves (e.g., overwhelmed with anxiety or trauma), the child may have felt trapped in a double bind.

• The person they instinctively run to for comfort is also someone they fear.

This can lay the groundwork for a disorganized or anxious-avoidant attachment style, where the nervous system associates both approach and retreat with emotional pain.

3. Emotional Suppression or Shaming

Sometimes, caregivers discourage emotional expression either directly (“stop crying!”) or indirectly (“you’re too sensitive,” or “you’re fine.”)

• Over time, the child learns that being vulnerable or showing neediness leads to rejection or shame.

• To protect themselves, they begin to suppress those emotions; but the need for closeness doesn’t go away. It just goes underground.

This can result in a person who appears independent or emotionally shut down, but still experiences deep inner loneliness or longing. It’s important to understand that attachment styles are not character flaws. They are adaptive strategies; ways our younger selves learned to cope with the emotional environment we were given.

If you have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, it doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with you. It means your mind and body did their best to keep you safe, even in emotionally confusing or painful circumstances.

These patterns often continue into adulthood, not because we’re broken, but because our nervous system is wired to protect us based on past experiences. And the good news is, patterns can change, especially when we approach them with compassion and awareness.

The Push-Pull in Adult Relationships

In adulthood, anxious-avoidant attachment often shows up in romantic relationships. But it can also affect friendships, work dynamics, and even parenting.

Common experiences include:

• Feeling uncomfortable with emotional intimacy but distressed by distance

• Craving connection but mistrusting others’ intentions

• Shutting down or withdrawing after emotional closeness

• Cycling through intense closeness and sudden detachment

This push-pull dynamic can be exhausting, not just for the person experiencing it, but for their partners as well. And it often reinforces the very fears at the root of the pattern: fear of being unlovable, too much, or abandoned.

But once we understand where these behaviors come from, we can start to respond differently to ourselves and others.

Healing Starts With Awareness

The path to a more secure attachment isn’t about “fixing” yourself. It’s about understanding your emotional patterns, rewiring safety, and learning how to stay present in moments of vulnerability.

Some steps toward healing may include:

• Therapy, especially with trauma-informed or attachment-focused therapists

• Inner child work to meet unmet emotional needs from the past

• Mindfulness and somatic tools to soothe the nervous system and expand tolerance for closeness

• Conscious communication in relationships with safe and patient partners who can co-regulate through discomfort

• Self-compassion practices to replace shame with understanding

Healing anxious-avoidant attachment isn’t always linear but it’s possible. Over time, you can build new emotional templates that feel safe, connected, and true to who you are.

Anxious-avoidant attachment may feel confusing, overwhelming, or isolating. But it doesn’t have to define your relationships forever.

Your patterns make sense. Your defenses had a purpose. And your story doesn’t end here. With time, support, and intentional effort, you can learn how to trust intimacy without fear, and discover the kind of connection that feels both safe and free.